My Partner and I aren't communicating!

I get a lot of calls from couples looking for help with their relationship. Their primary complaint: communication issues. When I delve deeper, the issue that arises is rooted in other areas, such as intimacy, money issues, or how to raise children. Each person feels their needs aren’t being heard by their partner.

One of John Gottman’s notable contributions is the identification of communication behaviors that he refers to as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These are four negative communication patterns that, if left unchecked, can be detrimental to a marriage. They are:

• Criticism: Attacking your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue.

• Contempt: Showing disrespect, disdain, or a sense of superiority towards your partner.

• Defensiveness: Responding to criticism with defensiveness rather than taking responsibility for your actions.

• Stonewalling: Withdrawing from communication, shutting down, or emotionally disengaging.

Gottman also highlights the importance of positive communication behaviors, which he calls "The Four Horsemen Antidotes." These include:

• Gentle Startup: Beginning a conversation in a soft and non-critical way.

• Building Fondness and Admiration: Expressing appreciation and admiration for your partner.

• Accepting Influence: Being open to considering your partner's perspective and input.

• Repair Attempts: Making efforts to de-escalate conflicts and repair the emotional connection.

When considering entering into couples therapy, be mindful that it may take several sessions to see progress. As long as both of you are committed and open to each others viewpoints, your relationship can be stronger with small acts of kindness and love.

I see couples on a limited basis. Please complete a contact form for further inquiry.

Source: Gottman Institute

Helpful resources

Small Things Often podcast (old episodes are still available)

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Attached by Amir Levine

Navigating the Painful Path of Losing Friendships: A Journey of Healing and Growth

From Guest Blogger Amy Gorman (AKA The Wife)

Perhaps one of your goals has been to meet new friends. In my experience as a 50+ year old female who moved to a new community, this can be difficult. I’ve made and ended a few friendships in my adult life, and I’ve come to realize that quality is vastly more important than quantity when it comes to those who you want to be part of your life. I made the difficult decision a couple years ago to end a friendship with someone who I thought would be in my life forever. Without going into the details, the decision was made to protect my mental health and allow me to open up my heart to new friends. It nearly broke me doing this, but I can now say with full confidence I did the right thing. Here’s the deal: Friendships are an integral part of the human experience, providing support, laughter, and shared experiences. However, just as friendships blossom, they can also fade away, leaving behind a trail of emotions that can be challenging to navigate. Losing friends is an inevitable part of life, and while it may be painful, it also offers opportunities for self-discovery, resilience, and personal growth.

• Understanding the Dynamics of Friendship:
  Friendships, like any other relationship, go through phases of growth and change. People evolve, circumstances shift, and interests diverge. Understanding that the dynamics of friendships are fluid can make it easier to accept the natural progression that sometimes leads to drifting apart.

• The Impact of Losing Friendships:
  Losing a friend can be emotionally taxing. It's essential to acknowledge the impact it has on mental well-being. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, or even guilt are common, and it's crucial to give yourself the space to process these emotions.

• Acceptance and Letting Go:
  Acceptance is a key step in healing from the loss of a friendship. It involves acknowledging that, sometimes, people grow apart, and it doesn't diminish the value of the time you spent together. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting; it means freeing yourself from the emotional weight of clinging to something that has naturally run its course.

• Self-Reflection:
  Losing a friendship offers an opportunity for self-reflection. Consider what you've learned from the relationship, the positive aspects, and any patterns or behaviors that may have contributed to its end. Use this insight to grow and develop healthier connections in the future.

• Communication and Closure:
  If possible, seek closure through open and honest communication. It's okay to express your feelings and understand the other person's perspective. While closure doesn't always come in the form of a conversation, it can provide a sense of understanding and peace.

• Building a Support System:
  Surround yourself with a support system of other friends, family, or even professional counselors who can offer understanding and encouragement during challenging times. Sharing your feelings can be therapeutic and help in the healing process.

• Embracing New Connections:
  As one chapter closes, another begins. Embrace the opportunity to meet new people, explore new interests, and build fresh connections. It's a chance to enrich your life with diverse experiences and perspectives.

• Cultivating Self-Love:
  Losing a friendship can sometimes lead to questioning one's worth. It's crucial to cultivate self-love and recognize your inherent value outside of any specific relationship. Engage in activities that bring joy, invest time in personal development, and prioritize self-care.

  Losing friendships is undoubtedly a challenging aspect of life, but it's also a testament to growth and change. Embracing the pain, learning from the experience, and channeling those emotions into positive avenues can lead to a more resilient, self-aware, and enriched life. Remember, the journey of healing from lost friendships is an opportunity to rediscover and reinvent yourself along the way. I’m happy to say I’m lucky to have a group of wonderful and supportive friends who I cherish with all my heart.

““I don’t even know what I would do without my women friends. I have my friends, so therefore I am. I exist because I have my women friends,” ”

— Jane Fonda

How do you like them apples?

Unbeknownst to me, according to my wife, I was not living life correctly.  I was unaware of the fact that I was using too many cups throughout the day, put the toilet paper on upside down, parked too far away from stores and my shirt was not a suitable replacement for a dishtowel.  These examples of “small annoyances” are part of the storyline why people say that “relationships are hard work.”  But the belief that “relationships are a lot of hard work and take effort” is distorted.

Love and all its variations (feeling heard, seen, valued, connected) is the fuel that propels our relationships.  People seem to have a very hard time sustaining this as years go on in a relationship. We as humans get complacent and comfortable, perhaps taking for granted that the love that ignited our relationship in the first place will always be there. And it is…we need to remember to tap into it.

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it”

— Rumi

It can actually be quite easy to be in a loving state with our partner most of the time.  No words can describe the feeling we have when we are truly connected to someone.  So, how do we do it?

I like to remind couples of these 4 steps to strengthen their relationship.

1. Falling back in love constantly You hear people say that they “love” their partner, but they are not “in love” with their partner.  We say that we “fall” in love and nothing could be truer.  We fall away from our “thinking” and into a different part of ourselves.  This is such a normal part of life yet people tend to not pay attention to this part of our experience.  It doesn’t matter what we are doing.  We could be hanging out with friends, meditating, playing with our children, out in nature.  Whenever we quiet our minds, come back to the present free from our intellect, and stop paying so much attention to the content of our thinking, we fall back into our wellbeing with its’ infinite forms (fun, laughter, lightness).  From that space, I fall back in love with my wife quite regularly and FEEL the gratitude I have for her being in my life.  This is why Rumi said, ”Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  When these barriers are “embraced,” we fall back in love again!

2. Do not act out your suffering (on your partner or anyone for that matter). It can be tempting or perhaps even routine for us to act out our suffering on those closest to us. Our low moods do occur, and it’s important to not take out your feelings of anger or sadness on the ones you love. Every living human being knows that fighting is counterintuitive to creating the climate that we want to live in. Yet, it happens all the time. People get triggered, our egos get hurt and we start talking in a lower mood. Talk long enough in this mood, and you will start talking about divorce. So, instead of talking from this place, and wondering what everything divided by two equals, wait until you are both calm. Don’t worry, the problems may still be there but they will be solvable. (Clearly there are times when relationships have run their course and it’s better to not be together. This decision can come to us in our wisdom, when we are feeling good and should be avoided at all costs in lower states of consciousness.)

3. Anticiapte each other’s needs This is a big one for my wife and I. I know she loves coffee first thing in the morning while lying in bed scrolling instagram reading the news. She knows what kind of apples I like and tries to keep a supply at all times. (Pink lady, by the way). It’s the small stuff or little things that can make a big impact.

4. Connect and pay attention to each other It’s normal to be lonely in a marriage from time to time and essential to speak this. There is danger when loneliness occurs too frequently and can lead to self-destructive behaviors or seeking comfort elsewhere. Speak to your partner about this and make time to connect. Date nights, trips and even just a quiet evening at home snuggling on the couch watching Netflix goes a long way.

Relationships are hard work only is so much as being a human being is hard work.  The capacity to relate is built into every living human being, but unfortunately so is the fear of being hurt.  When I remember that my “small annoyances” are coming from my thinking about my partner (not from my partner), being home and living in a feeling of love towards my wife is easy even though I clearly know how to load the dishwasher more efficiently!