Unbeknownst to me, according to my wife, I was not living life correctly. I was unaware of the fact that I was using too many cups throughout the day, put the toilet paper on upside down, parked too far away from stores and my shirt was not a suitable replacement for a dishtowel. These examples of “small annoyances” are part of the storyline why people say that “relationships are hard work.” But the belief that “relationships are a lot of hard work and take effort” is distorted.
Love and all its variations (feeling heard, seen, valued, connected) is the fuel that propels our relationships. People seem to have a very hard time sustaining this as years go on in a relationship. We as humans get complacent and comfortable, perhaps taking for granted that the love that ignited our relationship in the first place will always be there. And it is…we need to remember to tap into it.
“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it”
It can actually be quite easy to be in a loving state with our partner most of the time. No words can describe the feeling we have when we are truly connected to someone. So, how do we do it?
I like to remind couples of these 4 steps to strengthen their relationship.
Falling back in love constantly You hear people say that they “love” their partner, but they are not “in love” with their partner. We say that we “fall” in love and nothing could be truer. We fall away from our “thinking” and into a different part of ourselves. This is such a normal part of life yet people tend to not pay attention to this part of our experience. It doesn’t matter what we are doing. We could be hanging out with friends, meditating, playing with our children, out in nature. Whenever we quiet our minds, come back to the present free from our intellect, and stop paying so much attention to the content of our thinking, we fall back into our wellbeing with its’ infinite forms (fun, laughter, lightness). From that space, I fall back in love with my wife quite regularly and FEEL the gratitude I have for her being in my life. This is why Rumi said, ”Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” When these barriers are “embraced,” we fall back in love again!
Do not act out your suffering (on your partner or anyone for that matter). It can be tempting or perhaps even routine for us to act out our suffering on those closest to us. Our low moods do occur, and it’s important to not take out your feelings of anger or sadness on the ones you love. Every living human being knows that fighting is counterintuitive to creating the climate that we want to live in. Yet, it happens all the time. People get triggered, our egos get hurt and we start talking in a lower mood. Talk long enough in this mood, and you will start talking about divorce. So, instead of talking from this place, and wondering what everything divided by two equals, wait until you are both calm. Don’t worry, the problems may still be there but they will be solvable. (Clearly there are times when relationships have run their course and it’s better to not be together. This decision can come to us in our wisdom, when we are feeling good and should be avoided at all costs in lower states of consciousness.)
Anticiapte each other’s needs This is a big one for my wife and I. I know she loves coffee first thing in the morning while lying in bed scrolling instagram reading the news. She knows what kind of apples I like and tries to keep a supply at all times. (Pink lady, by the way). It’s the small stuff or little things that can make a big impact.
Connect and pay attention to each other It’s normal to be lonely in a marriage from time to time and essential to speak this. There is danger when loneliness occurs too frequently and can lead to self-destructive behaviors or seeking comfort elsewhere. Speak to your partner about this and make time to connect. Date nights, trips and even just a quiet evening at home snuggling on the couch watching Netflix goes a long way.
Relationships are hard work only is so much as being a human being is hard work. The capacity to relate is built into every living human being, but unfortunately so is the fear of being hurt. When I remember that my “small annoyances” are coming from my thinking about my partner (not from my partner), being home and living in a feeling of love towards my wife is easy even though I clearly know how to load the dishwasher more efficiently!