I get a lot of calls from couples looking for help with their relationship. Their primary complaint: communication issues. When I delve deeper, the issue that arises is rooted in other areas, such as intimacy, money issues, or how to raise children. Each person feels their needs aren’t being heard by their partner.
One of John Gottman’s notable contributions is the identification of communication behaviors that he refers to as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These are four negative communication patterns that, if left unchecked, can be detrimental to a marriage. They are:
Criticism: Attacking your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior or issue.
Contempt: Showing disrespect, disdain, or a sense of superiority towards your partner.
Defensiveness: Responding to criticism with defensiveness rather than taking responsibility for your actions.
Stonewalling: Withdrawing from communication, shutting down, or emotionally disengaging.
Gottman also highlights the importance of positive communication behaviors, which he calls "The Four Horsemen Antidotes." These include:
Gentle Startup: Beginning a conversation in a soft and non-critical way.
Building Fondness and Admiration: Expressing appreciation and admiration for your partner.
Accepting Influence: Being open to considering your partner's perspective and input.
Repair Attempts: Making efforts to de-escalate conflicts and repair the emotional connection.
When considering entering into couples therapy, be mindful that it may take several sessions to see progress. As long as both of you are committed and open to each others viewpoints, your relationship can be stronger with small acts of kindness and love.
I see couples on a limited basis. Please complete a contact form for further inquiry.
Source: Gottman Institute
Helpful resources
Small Things Often podcast (old episodes are still available)
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Attached by Amir Levine